Halloween is supposed to be a joyous occasion for kids. You get to dress up like an idiot and terrorize the neighborhood, and then for some reason get rewarded with sweet, delicious candy.
But that's not always the case, is it? Sometimes you don't get sweet, delicious candy. Sometimes you get utter crap. Such as:
5) Circus peanuts. Scientists still haven't been able to discover what these actually are, but it's probably best for all that no one ingest them to find out.
4) Healthy stuff. I appreciate that you're a doctor and all and want to teach us neighborhood kids a good-old-fashioned nutrition lesson, but you're about to learn a lesson of your own: how to clean egg off your front door.
3) Loose change. Seriously, old neighbor who clearly forgot it was Halloween and just started pulling things out of her purse? Seriously?
2) Opened candy. Oh my God, it's a whole box of Whoppers. Oh my God, it's not even a Fun Size, it's the big one! Oh my-oh, it's open. Mom, no. Mom, give it back! NOOO I HATE YOU
1) Office supplies. Pencils, huh? That's what you're bringing to the table here? Where do you do your Halloween shopping, Staples?
I have a particular beef with this last one because my neighbor across the street was a judge, and he always gave out these weird two-eraser pencils that were shaped like gavels (or, to the more creative mind, hammerhead sharks). Now, not only were these things hideous, but they were also damn near impossible to use. The erasers were hard, didn't erase, and were extremely awkward, because no one in their right mind would ever try to erase something sideways.
I did, however, discover that they were quite effective as weapons, as my poor little sister's oft-thumped noggin can attest.
Gina Damico enjoys shipwrecks and long walks on the beach, not necessarily in that order. Her debut YA novel, Croak, is the story of a teenage girl who joins a team of grim reapers, and is coming in March 2012 from Graphia/Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. You can find her at ginadami.co. Bring cookies.